6.26.2008

Fiction Friday


“I can’t breathe.”

Now keep writing.

But I just used my last gulp of oxygen. How can I make this pencil work? How can I make my brain work?

Fill out the form. Get in line. You’re just a number, remember.

My knees are buckling. My head is whirling, filling with sparkling lights, voices are echoing around me.

Just write your name. Forget about the rest.

My name. Got it. My address? Can’t remember. Can’t think clearly. Can’t.

Leave it blank. Cause for visit. Tell them. Quick.

I think I’m dying, I think I’ve been poisoned, my throat is closing up—

Write it down. Two words. Dying. Poison. Push the paper in front of that woman with the clipboard. Hurry.

My fingers fall limp, pencils rolls out of my hand, skips across the floor. Paper in hand, I shuffle toward the clipboard, toward the matriarch guarding the doorway. Put the crumpled sheet on the top of her stack. Try to get her to notice me. It’s not working.

Go ahead. Fall down.

I can’t fight it, my legs fold beneath me.

Quiet. Into the night.

Darkness wraps around me, even before I hit the floor. Darkness, but not quiet. I am a raging mayhem, a blistering storm of heat and light, a lava flow of molten flesh. I am a wreck, crashing and burning across the emergency room floor. Even in the not-quiet dark, I know.

It wasn’t poison.

No. Not poison. My sweat on the floor, my blood, my skin. My designer disease, all brand new and . . .

Contagious.


_____________________

Fiction Friday: Check it out here.

Here's the prompt:
“I can’t breathe.”

Now keep writing.

The rules? Simple. Write for five minutes and NO editing.
Fun!

10 comments:

Paul said...

Wow, I love the rhythm of this piece. The way you used it to make us feel what was going on, was brilliant.

Mark Goodyear said...

Whoa. No editing? I don't think I could do that. Fun activity, though. I'd do stuff like this too... but my blog broke!

It stopped breathing, and I had to send it to the ER. Doctors list it as critical.

Merrie Destefano said...

Mark,
Wait. Your blog looks okay to me.

Is this a bit of fiction or did you really have some problems?

Hmmmmmm.

The plot thickens.

Thanks for stopping by, MDG.

MGD

Merrie Destefano said...

Paul,

Thanks for the compliment and for dropping by!

Blessings,
Merrie

lissa said...

wow! great write. I didn't except the ending, and I like how you use the whole prompt

Merrie Destefano said...

Lissa,
Thank you so much! And your Fiction Friday was dazzling!

Keep writing. You've got a lovely voice!

Blessings,
Merrie

Chris said...

What a fun piece! The ending is perfect. It rolls like a freight train right up till the bitter end.

Annie said...

Wonderful. The timing kept you on the edge, guessing, wondering, uncomfortable, angry at the inadequate doctors and medical team, near bursting with fury at the beaurocracy... love the end.

Merrie Destefano said...

Chris,
Thanks for the kind words! And I really like the werewolf piece you are working on over at your site. Who doesn't love a good werewolf story?

Keep up the great work!
Blessings,
Merrie

Merrie Destefano said...

Annie,
Thanks for stopping by! And I really appreciate your review of my Fiction Friday piece.

:)

Likewise, I completely enjoyed your Fiction Friday entry, too! Great tension and twist at the end.

Keep writing!
Blessings,
Merrie